Any homeward-bound journey is rife with hazards which may offend and upset the commuter. The risks vary in a sort of sliding-scale manner depending on the hour of your return. Between 5pm and half seven you will deal with the annoying crush of crowds. Between half seven and 9pm trains run less frequently, so being two minutes late to the station will ensure you are 30 minutes late getting home. Post 11pm you will obviously be sharing the car with loutish drunks and their bad breath, loud voices and frequent trips to the loo. By far the worst window to choose is the 9 to 11pm slot. Why? Because travelers in this window are too early to have been out for dinner and too late to make it back for supper with the family. The result is a carriage full of commuters (usually male, usually in suits) indulging in the most grotesque and inconsiderate of evening meals...the publicly consumed hot Cornish pasty.
The first indication of what's coming your way is the crinkle of the West Cornwall Pasty Co. bag. How will you recognize it? Simple. Most everything else these days is carried in plastic, so the sound of a hand manipulating paper can only mean on thing. Any doubt is immediately laid to rest by the on-rushing smell-wave of hot, wet meat which very quickly envelopes your head, chair , clothes and, indeed, the whole carriage. What is it about the smell of other people's food that is so disgusting? Is it possible for smell to have a temperature? Why is the sound of people breathing through their nose and chewing so vile? You will be tempted to move seats but don't waste your time. Remember, you are traveling in an enclosed space often with heater fans on full blast shifting the food stink back and forth from one end of the car to the other. And secondly, these inconsiderate West Country carnivores travel in packs. No, all that's left for you to do is breath through your mouth and try and channel your anger and disgust into something positive. Like remembering to leave earlier tomorrow.
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